Working in a Capitol again is both familiar and strange. Many days feel like a fever dream of a life that I once lived. On the surface, things look the same — blazer on, caffeine in hand, answering the ding of the Outlook inbox. But things are different. I am different.
At 1:00PM, I start watching my phone like a hawk. I’m searching for the notification that says “Motion has been detected in Sloane’s crib.” I am physically in Olympia. I am mentally in committee. But my soul is with Sloane.
My adventure into the world of long-distance parenting is temporary. A few weeks of coming and going. A Gramma visit here, a trip to Amma and Papa’s house there. Consistency for her — going to school, seeing her friends, sleeping in her bed, etc. — was prioritized over seeing Mommy every day. But I can already tell that as the Session progresses, it will become more difficult to drop in and out.
So many of our male friends do this. There are a half-dozen couples in our orbit where the father works elsewhere during the week or travels for work 4-5 days per week, every week. Everyone acknowledges that it’s tough on the family, no one questions his decision. The same is not true for my situation.
“Who will take care of Sloane?”
“Shouldn’t you just take Sloane with you?”
“Maybe Kyle should think about working from Seattle for a few weeks.”
“Why would you apply for a job that wasn’t remote?”
“Are you looking for another job?”
“Well, you can always find something local when you get back.”
I am not a father. I am a mother. And the idea of a mother living apart from her child for any length of is challenging for some to accept. I try to offer those close to me grace, and remember that they are just thinking about Sloane’s needs. But there does come a point where I am forced to ask them the question that no one has thus far been able to answer in the affirmative: Would you be having this conversation with Kyle if he was the one who was leaving?
+ The case for cockiness over confidence.
+ I want to buy these leopard sneakers to wear with suits on Fridays.
+ What powerful women actually wear to the office.
+ This delicate initial charm is just gorgeous.
+ Red wine braised meatballs for cozy dinners (just use the Trader Joe’s meatballs).
+ Bought Sloane this cute twirly little dress for Valentine’s Day.
+ The new novels everyone will be talking about in 2026.
+ This Chantecaille foundation (suggested by Ashley Paiige) feels so light on.
+ These burgundy peonies are total showstoppers.
+ Buying Carolina Herrera lipstick and printed keychain caps for Galentine’s this year.
+ How to become the “creative director” of your year.
+ Huge Sale at Old Navy. I loved this Alex Mill look-a-like cardigan and this oversized Twill Coat.
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So true! A close friend is a consultant with two kids and travels M-Th for work, the questions that she gets boggle my mind.
Also that Old Navy sweater is actually 100% cotton, score!
This was over 10 years ago when my oldest was about 4 months old. I was travelling for work and my fellow passenger (an older man) started chatting. When I said I was a new mom and had a 4 month old, he blurted out, who’s watching him then? I said – only half jokingly – Oh I left him alone, I figured that’s okay at 4 months. The look on his face was priceless and I had a very quiet flight after that. You are so right – no one would think of ask that to a man travelling for work.
Wierdly, no one has ever questioned my (a mom) travel, despite having a 5yo. Maybe my friends and collegues are just very liberal? Or maybe its not unusual in my circles? Or maybe they just assume my husband is the more competent parent anyway? Or maybe everyone just assumes I am a neglectful mom, and ergo there are no questions to ask.
Didn’t you take Sloane with you last time you did. this when she was really little? Now you’re just evening things out and giving Kyle back the time with Sloane that he missed then 😉
Love this comment
FWIW, if you need to be away from work, I think it’s BEST when they are small. They won’t remember the missed time at all!! And, frankly, the idea of taking a small child WITH you on a travel work trip is bananas. Truly. Good luck, keep doing you on your terms. You are doing great.
fwiw: if it was kyle who was leaving, i hope they’d at least be concerned about *your* well-being having to solo parent. In my experience, limited work travel on my husband’s part usually brought out the calvary to help me, because i think people are a little better about assuming moms aren’t doing it all already and assuming that dads are actually crucial to their children’s upbringing.
reading rec. I thought of it with the 2026 publications list: https://www.honest-broker.com/p/the-day-ny-publishing-lost-its-soul
I’m reminded of custody when parents divorce. Mom being the primary parent and Dad having every other weekend plus a night or so during the week is the norm. But if Dad is the primary parent and Mom has every other weekend plus a night or so during the week, then people assume that Mom must be a bad mother. Yet no one assumed Dad was a bad father when he didn’t get the lion’s share of the time allocated.
We have come a long way in equalizing the sexes. We also have a very long way to go.
Similarly, I’ve heard people talk about dads who are “babysitting” their kids when the moms are not home, but somehow moms are never “babysitting” when dads aren’t home. The vocabulary should be the same – both moms and dads are solo parenting or just parenting.
You’re good. You know you’re good. And you’re kind to consider that people asking these questions are thinking about Sloane becuase they love her. But really they’re speaking from society telling them that moms are the only ones who can really care for children. And that’s just not correct.
I went back to work when our second child was three months old – I had taken 8 months with our first and was honestly bored. My husband took 12 months paternity leave so was literally off work and had been looking after him since he was a newborn. Every time I traveled for work it was, who’s babysitting the kids? Often from women too. I loved when my kids were newborns, but it was because my husband was right there beside me, washing bottles and handling 2am feeds while I slept through the night.
Another legislative employee here and I heard every word.
I’m child-free, but I’m offering my perspective as the daughter of working parents. From my birth until I was 5, my mom had a sales job that required her to travel 5 days a week. She’d head out Monday mornings and usually return on Friday, Thursday if she could. My dad worked full-time but owned his own business so he had some flexibility around daycare and school drop-offs. This was the mid-80s, so it was much less common for the mother to “be gone” so much.
My sister was born the year I turned 5, and for the next 3 years, mom had a slightly reduced schedule of 3-4 travel days every other week.
When was I younger, say 2-4ish, my parents said that occasionally it would take me a small amount of time to warm up to my mother. I didn’t cry or run away, but since Dad was the primary parent, I was more prone to seek him out first. This wasn’t a lasting behavior!
I always had (still do) close relationships with both of my parents, and I remember them both being involved—coaching sports on the weekends, showing up to soccer and basketball games, driving for field trips, volunteering for classroom stuff, helping me with homework, etc. I don’t ever remember feeling neglected or like I missed out on forming a close and meaningful relationship with my mom because of her travel schedule. What I do remember is her being present, compassionate, and supportive.
I know as a parent, it must be so, so hard to spend time away from your child. I just wanted to offer a related, firsthand perspective.
Abra,
Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I recognize all of it: the job, the mother instinct, the relatives you love who are helping and not helping. Continue kindly pushing back the sexist comments (even the ones you make to yourself). Most likely Sloane is secured enough in your love to wait for your return and Kyle is ´happy’ to be single parenting : the presence of the mother is sometimes overwhelming for fathers.
This is so unfair, and please know you’re a great mom and great lawyer. I’m definitely the one who works more and is away more from our daughter, too (nine now, she loves me dearly and is curled up on me as I write this, after I’ve just wrapped my Saturday evening work (sadly non-billable, but so much partner time is)), so sending good thoughts your way. A few books that explore some of these topics that I enjoyed: “I Have Some Questions For You” and “Girl Dinner.” Good luck with the new job – sounds like a great opportunity!
When I was pregnant (2016) my husband and I had the same job, same number of degrees, same salary. I was regularly asked if I was going to keep working after the bag was born. He was never asked that question. If that’s not sexism, I don’t know what is.
I’ve kept a screenshot of a post you made in September 2022, a quotation from Gilda Radner:
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
That quotation spoke strongly to me at the time you posted it. I give it back to you now and hope it speaks as strongly to you.
I had unbearable angst whenever I travelled for work when my children were younger. In hindsight that was such wasted emotional energy, because they were completely fine with dad, of course! And it has always been good for their relationships to leave them on their own. And when I think of the experiences I had while away (now as a pretty exhausted mom of tweens who hasn’t travelled for work in a long time!), they were meaningful and important, both professionally and personally and I have zero regrets. Don’t feel guilty or let others project that onto you!
I used to travel frequently for work with a male dominated group. I was asked every trip, “who is taking care of your kids,” to which I responded, “their dad?” Not one of my male counterparts was ever asked this question….
I cannot believe anyone could keep a straight face and suggest you take a toddler with you on a work trip. Have they have ever met a toddler? Have they ever worked??